If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.