Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

My favorite type of men is ramen.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!