Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.