Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry