Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.