If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.