If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate