If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?