If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Dishonest mechanic?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle