If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Saturday
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me