If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro