If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”