If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Lol
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
About to throw up
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.