If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
How wrong was this guy?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row