If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜