If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
You Might Also Like
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
catch me on valentine’s day like
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
