Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

🚲+physics = winner

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

twitter users today:

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

“what that mouth do?” complain

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.