Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You Might Also Like
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I am a gravy boat captain
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*pronounces surface like Versace*