[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’