Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like