if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
(Musicians.)
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.