if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
