If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’m about to risk it all
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“What movie?” 🤔
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: