Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.