If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
lol
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.