If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.