Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.