If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Day 2 of my diet
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day