If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.