If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.