if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
fair
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts