if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Monday
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
What the hell is going on?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there