If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
When you kidnap a writer.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!