Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.