If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I am HOWLING at this
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.