If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
True?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.