Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

584.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.