If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The chart results are in…
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The photographer’s assistant
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.