If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
💀💀
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.