My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.
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When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo