If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.

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When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.


saying “u should smile more”

-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont


“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant


Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.