Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Pigeon open mic night.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day