Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.