Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.