If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.