If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
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Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Born to be mild.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”