The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine