Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis