Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.
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I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?