@TheMichaelRock

If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.

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@AimeeHelene1

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.

@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

@derpintine

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

@bazecraze

If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?

@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.