Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You Might Also Like
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.