if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
this is the greatest thing ever
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
never stops being funny
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?