If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m too immature for adultery.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops