If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
mmm onion ringos
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Home #decor warning.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away