If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
What my back needs
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser