@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

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@aotakeo

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@LostFelicia

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

@simoncholland

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@simoncholland

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.