If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.


Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT


When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.


Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?


The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.


Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.


If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.