me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.