If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
time for some seasonal decor
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.