If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
@ candidates for local office
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.