Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.