If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
