If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so