@WilliamAder

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

- @WilliamAder

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@AnnietheNanny1

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@darksidedeb

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@NewDadNotes

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@girlontapas

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.