@WilliamAder

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

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@Arbitral

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

@JoParkerBear

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@omerwahaj

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

@SamuelSaulsbury

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.