Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.