If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Pat is about to own someone
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.