Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Happy Caturday!

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.