Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

🤣✨#caturday

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.