Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully