Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years