If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Great Canadian literature.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Spring of Deception
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING