Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

phew

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste