If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.