Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight