Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.