Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Cold.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days