Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.