If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.