Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Pringles

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Fiction has to make sense.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.