Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

KFC hitting the cannibal market

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.