if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I know karate and tons of other words.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
